Pick at my brain a little, would ya?

“V” is for vulnerable, and “H” is for honest.

April 5, 2010 at 5:13 pm (Uncategorized)

I’ve had a lot of thoughts floating around in this noggin of mine the past few weeks.

A lot of what I’ve been thinking has to do with my identity.  I feel like I’ve lost so much of it in the past year.  It’s not because I’m going through some crisis, and it’s not because I lost my singularity and became a wife.  It’s not because I am now in the “mommy” category as I prepare for this child.  While I’m sure that those things do change who you are in countless ways, I know it’s because other people don’t know who I am anymore.

Following the close of Basilica, a lot of relationships I held very dear have changed.  I feel like I’ve lost friends, not on purpose, but it’s still happened.  I feel like some people have purposely disconnected themselves from me, and although I’m okay with that, it’s still hard.  And some people I just don’t talk to as often, and that’s my fault just as much as anyone’s.

But the thing that has been the most difficult is entering a new church family.  Josh and I decided to go to a church here in Clear Lake called OneLife.  And though I absolutely love these people, their view on the Gospel, and their overall community, I am still treading lightly with them.

It’s hard for me to be vulnerable.  I don’t like a lot of things I have done, and I despise other things that I have been through.  When I started at Basilica, I was grieving my brother’s death deeper than I ever have.  I was terribly broken, and utterly hopeless from poor decisions and things I had done.  I didn’t hide this from anyone there when I started going.  Through God’s grace and over time, I healed from some things, and just “got over” others.  I felt comfortable with my church family.  I had women I could talk to about struggles, fears, joys, etc.  I was in a niche that I had dreamed of my entire Christian life.  I could be real with these people.  I could confess sins that most would keep a secret.  I could share doubts about God and scripture without feeling ashamed.

And then…boom…in a morning conversation around the table, I found out that the church I had come to love so much was going to be over, and that was that.   And while I understand why, and I think it was best, I am just now feeling the weight of it, months later.

I long for close fellowship again.  I long for relationships with other Christian women.  I long to be sought out by other women to be a friend, and not a child-care provider (though I do love children and serving families).  I get lost in the role of babysitter so often, that I feel like people don’t see me as an adult, but rather, a big child, because most see me interacting with children the majority of the time.  And that’s hard, because I love children, and even though I have a God-given gift with them, I long to be separated from the role of pseudo-mom, and placed in the role of friend.

I just feel lonely, and it’s hard to be vulnerable with a new group of people, as wonderful as they are. They don’t know about my past.  They don’t know about how and why I am broken.  They don’t know my insecurities, and they don’t know about the things I am working on with the Lord.  And I’m not sure how easy it will be to open myself up again like that.  I just feel like the momentum and motivation I had to be in close fellowship with people is slowly wearing down.  I am in desperate need of a good push in the right direction.

Help me, Lord.